After almost 30 years of marriage, facing divorce turned my life upside down — as it does for most people. I easily could have spiraled into an abyss of sorrow, negativity, and victim consciousness.

Instead, I chose to embark on a self-discovery journey to rewire my body, mind, and spirit. Though I didn’t know when I would exit the dark tunnel and see the light on the other side, I knew that day would come. I had to trust this belief in order to create my new blissful life, because living a mediocre life was not in my plan.

I’m not going to tell you it was easy, nor did positive change happen overnight. The gift is I now love and trust myself, and that awareness is enough to kick fear in the butt.

Part of loving yourself means facing hurdles. The first is how to stand in your truth and empower yourself to take actions that lead to the best version of yourself. It’s essential that you do, say, and open your heart for yourself first, not for anyone else. It is the most crucial step in healing from trauma like divorce. 

Here are some other tips I learned:

1. Use Your Voice

Express your feelings. Keeping them inside hurts you and your relationship with others, which can make your divorce even more challenging. Evaluate what you are feeling and express it — with a few caveats (see below).

2. Respond Instead of Reacting

Many divorces are contentious. But even when they aren’t, divorce is emotionally charged. Take a moment before responding in any situation, in order to think before you react. 

Reacting can amplify negativity and send the message that one person is right (you), and that you do not respect the other person’s viewpoint. Responding means that you take a moment, listen to the other person, consider that viewpoint —  even for a moment and especially if you don’t agree. Then respond respectfully. 

For example, if you are arguing and you feel your ex-spouse treats you with disrespect, don’t say “you treated me like shit” or “your comment was rude/wrong/mean.” 

Instead, acknowledge your point of view and validate your feelings and say, “I feel unseen/unheard right now, because my feelings are not acknowledged.” This approach will more likely invite a conversation instead of an escalation or argument.

3. Trust Your Instincts

If it doesn’t feel right to you, it isn’t…Period. Don’t force yourself to accept situations or behaviors that you do not trust. This is essential when experiencing the trauma of divorce. As you work deeply on yourself, your instincts tend to become sharper and you trust them. If you don’t, you may wish you had.

4. Be Vulnerable 

It is imperative to be vulnerable when expressing yourself. Many people are afraid of feeling vulnerable because of a fear of being hurt, exposed, abandoned, fill in the blank. (These feelings stem from fear, but they are not facts). When you are vulnerable, you open your heart. You can’t heal from divorce (or any trauma) until you can openly acknowledge how you feel to yourself and someone you trust. Many of us are conditioned to hide our feelings. Often we are afraid of rejection or getting hurt. Over time, allowing yourself to feel vulnerable will become a strength.

5. Don’t Worry About What Others Think

Listen carefully: It does not matter what anyone thinks about your divorce but you, as you are the only creator of your life and your happiness! Stand strongly and unabashedly in your truth and trust your instincts to guide you. 

6. Feel All Your Feelings 

Try not to repress your feelings while you are going through a divorce. Obviously, we will find ourselves in conditions where we need to contain our feelings in the moment, if possible (for example, if we are giving a presentation and feel a sudden need to cry). Remember what you feel is valid and is your truth. Own your feelings, as they will teach you lessons that will allow you to move forward. 

Keep in mind that while it is necessary to feel all your feelings, at some point you need to let them go. If you hold onto any feelings of resentment or anger, you will not be able to heal from your divorce. The hard truth is feeling like a victim doesn’t change the past or the future. Your feelings about your trauma are valid, and though you will not forget them you can transcend these feelings to create your new reality.

7. Withhold Judgment, Accept What Is, and Stay Positive

Because divorce is hard and because we are human, judgment can be easy when it comes to a soon-to-be ex-spouse. Many people experience divorce with anger, sadness, shame, and blame. But these feelings can lead to negativity if you don’t address them and find a way to move on.  

One of the toughest things to do in a divorce is to accept what is because it cannot be changed, and that includes accepting your ex and their behaviors, actions, and thoughts. Divorce is not one-sided, and healing includes reflecting to identify your own role in the breakdown not only that of your partner. 

Once you accept the past, you can start to forgive and focus on the good aspects of the marriage. This creates a positive mindset and allows you to move forward after divorce.

8. Learn to Let Go and Quash Fear

Letting go applies to people, ideas, and ingrained rules. From a very early age, we are taught societal, religious, and cultural “rules” that dictate how we feel about divorce. We may have been taught divorce means you are a failure or it’s bad, wrong, or even sinful. To heal from divorce, try to let go of any internalized stigmas that place your decision to divorce in a negative light. This can include letting go of people who question your divorce. 

Only you know what and/or whose energy feels right. Learn to let go —  it is the only way to quash fear, which is the ultimate paralyzer when it comes to healing and finding happiness. It will not only validate your divorce, but will also allow you to be free to make the right choices moving forward —  the ultimate sign of reclaiming your power.

If you are interested in purchasing Rachel S. Ruby’s book Divorce to Bliss, click on the link below!