Balancing Your Career, Kids, and Life as a Millennial Mom
Editor’s Note: Monét Lewis produced this thought leadership piece free of charge to SheVentures readers and SheVentures. Lewis values educating female entrepreneurs like us. If you are interested in pitching SheVentures a thought leadership video, article, or op-ed, please contact us at social@sheventurespodcast.com. Your voice matters.
Monét Lewis shares four hard-learned lessons about balancing her roles as a mom, student, and wife.
I can identify now more than ever with the movie 13 Going on 30. You know, the cute rom-com starring Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo?
Specifically the opening scene, when — after being humiliated by her horrible wannabe friends — the teenage girl makes a wish to the universe with those three eternal words:
“To be “30, flirty, and thriving.”
I will turn 30 this year, and there’s nothing I’d enjoy more than to be 30, flirty, and thriving. However — in contrast to the single, no kids, club-dancing enthusiast that Jennifer Garner plays — I’m a married stay-at-home mother to my 4-year-old and 4-month-old daughters and three dogs. I’m also a full-time online graduate student.
I operate on hot tea and Clif Bars, and my idea of unwinding is reorganizing my pantry. I’m starting to think I don’t know how to relax.
Choosing Between College, Career, and #MomLife
If you are anything like me, the thought of turning 30 is daunting.
As a teenager, I unquestionably thought by the time I was 30, I’d have my shit together.
Yet, here I am, scrambling to make my daughter’s lunch resemble a healthy meal and, if I’m lucky, I’ll remember to put deodorant on before leaving the house.
As a “late bloomer” in the workforce, a mother of two, and a college student, it’s hard to look at my peers who are 10-plus years into their careers without feeling slightly inadequate or envious.
This brings me to the question stemming from a night where I was literally staring into the darkness at 2:00 a.m. while breastfeeding my baby, simultaneously thinking about a paper I should be writing, wondering whether my résumé would be more appealing in a different font, if my husband still thinks I’m sexy, and if my other daughter brushed her teeth before bed.
The question I grapple with is: How does one choose between pursuing their career, furthering their education, and/or being a stay-at-home mother? And, perhaps most importantly, can I be all three?
My answer: I can be all three, just not at the same time.
I can’t think of any challenge more significant than deciding how to divide one’s time.
As a mother who adores each moment with her children — as much as I value my marriage and my career — I can offer firsthand experience navigating college, motherhood, and a career. This is a highly personal decision for you and your family, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer.
If you are facing these challenges, I encourage you to consider a few tips that have helped me in my decision to temporarily leave the workforce to focus on my education, a choice I realize is not available to all women.
Tip 1: Inhale Reality, Exhale Unrealistic Expectations 😚
As a young mother (30 is still young, right?) I’m searching for the latest answers on mommy blogs and college forums on how to do it all.
You know the kind: How to be the all-star mom who bakes gluten-, dairy-, and nut-free cupcakes for my daughter’s class. How to clean my house, yet still find time to cook a healthy dinner for my family. How to prioritize self-care, get all As in my classes, ooze sex appeal, read more nonfiction, and get that promotion…
You get the picture.
One of my favorite books, The Good Mother Myth by Avital Norman Nathman, delves into the unrealistic expectations mothers put on themselves. It showcases vulnerable, real-life stories from mothers doing their best and mucking it up because they’re human. The book was my first real taste of imperfect parenting, opening my eyes to the idea that I could have my cake and eat it too, but it would likely be extraordinarily messy: Sticky, crumbs on the floor, frosting in my hair M-E-S-S-Y.
Of course, my metaphorical cake is a college education, motherhood, and personal enrichment.
Tip 2: Don’t Compare Yourself to Others 🛤
Having children doesn’t mean you are no longer a priority.
My friends in their early 30s — who’ve worked for the past 10 or more years — are now discussing children, whereas I’ve already started my family, so my career résumé is somewhat bleak.
I earned my bachelor’s degree in business psychology in 2020, and I am currently earning my master’s in applied psychology. It’s a remarkably fast-paced online program, which is essential because it gives me the flexibility to balance being a mother and managing my course load. Though some may thrive in an in-person setting, taking online classes allows me to study when I can and listen to lectures after my children go to bed.
It can be easy to compare yourself to other people’s definitions of success rather than focus on your beautiful life. Imposter Syndrome — or feeling like a fraud — is insidious, and loves to sneak into my psyche.
The key is to remember what I may lack in work experience with my same-age peers is unparalleled by the joy of being a stay-at-home mother. Moreover, returning to school will show my children that it’s never too late to grow and explore new opportunities.
It’s about perspective, appreciating the hand you are dealt or the one you choose. Remember you still have time — our futures are not set in stone.
Tip 3: Perfectionism Is Poison ☠️
What set me free from unrealistic “mommy expectations” is the sobering truth: Achieving the status of a “perfect mother,” whatever that means, can’t coexist with me as a perfect student, employee, and wife/partner. I tried to convince myself with triple-filtered pictures that I was a flawless mother — but the more I tried to embrace perfectionism — the more insecure and empty I felt. Perfect doesn’t exist. Moreover, I am not willing to run myself ragged to obtain an ideal that is an illusion.
That said, I can be in the pursuit of constant improvement. My stubbornness bolsters my academic and professional success. I care passionately about my achievements as a student, a professional, and a mom. But loosening my grip on perfectionism is the only way I can select college over work.
Frankly, determining the best decision for you and your family can be a nightmare. Social media exacerbates competition. Every other post in my feed shows people who appear like “the perfect parent” — you know the type, mom grinning with impossibly white teeth, posed with her children, all in matching monogrammed pajamas with a caption that reads: Too blessed to be stressed.
Sure, I, too, try to capture picture-perfect moments with my daughters to display on social media, but today I am no longer burdened by the weight of other people’s approval. I am open to failure — as I let go of my rigid perfectionism — and embrace making memories with our perfectly imperfect photos.
I’ve learned that despite what social media or my inner voice tells me, I’m not the only mother trying and failing to do it all. I am not alone.
Tip 4: Be Honest With Your Partner and Yourself ♥️
Whether you are returning to work after maternity leave, happily staying at home, or somewhere in between — it’s okay. Nothing starts without honesty regardless of where you are in your motherhood journey: deciding if/when to have a child, pregnancy, returning to work after maternity leave, being a stay-at-home mom, or something in between — the sooner all people involved speak their truth, the better.
I will never forget the night my husband and I sat down to have “the talk” to map our five-year-plan: In 2014, we were dating (but desperately in love) with no kids. He grabbed a pen and a scrap of paper, and we drew a timeline, filling in little dreams and details as we spoke.
When he asked me what I most wanted, I broke down in tears because the only things I knew for sure were: I wanted to be a mother, and I wanted to stay at home with my children while they grew up...
My husband compassionately and respectfully understood my vision to be a stay-at-home mother.
We talked for hours that night, and by the end of our discussion, we agreed the lifestyle we wanted would be more feasible with two incomes. To travel, live a comfortable life (which we defined, but I’ll spare you the details), and provide our children future opportunities that we did not have.
When I became pregnant, we determined we could afford for me to stay at home with our newborn for one year. The agreement: I would return to work after one year, regardless of how difficult it was for me to imagine returning to work.
I would do anything for my family, and the idea of not contributing economically to our dreams was out of the question.
One problem: When our baby arrived, I adored being a stay-at-home mom. My nerves skyrocketed as I simultaneously felt the pull of needing to return to work, wanting baby snuggles all day, and desiring more “me time.” Add to that the fear of judgment by — you name it — for sending my children to daycare.
My husband and I have continued our dialogue, as our circumstances and desires have changed. The one constant — almost eight years since sketching our first timeline — is my husband’s unwavering love and support. No question that he plays a pivotal role in my decision and financial ability to leave work and pursue my master’s degree — a decision that will hopefully turbocharge my earning capacity when I do return to the workforce.
I do not take this opportunity for granted, as many women I know wish for such luxury. I wholeheartedly love being a mom, and if it paid the bills, I would have no objection to doing anything else.
Final Thoughts
The joy that comes with staying home with my girls is unparalleled, but I plan to return to work after graduation to give them the most promising life I can. I know to my core that returning to work, even part-time, is the right decision for me and my family.
In the meantime, I’m studying for midterms, with the baby monitor volume on high, and 13 Going on 30 playing in the background.
To all my fellow flirty 30-something mamas: It’s time to shed the guilt and do what’s right for you. Of course, it goes without saying that some women don’t have theluxury of choice, as the sole breadwinners of their families or as part of a household that needs dual incomes to survive. They, too, should not feel guilty.
I still can’t wrap my head around why mothers judge each other so much. For creatures of similar circumstance, we sometimes view those who pursue their careers as unnurturing and those who decide to stay home as unambitious or lazy.
I will do my part in breaking down these harmful stereotypes. I hope my story shows the agonizing ambivalence mothers feel as they decide what is best for themselves and their family. Even as a woman who is sure of her decision — there is no black or white — in these deeply personal decisions. Casting judgment doesn’t help. It has taken me years of stubbornness to make peace with the reality that the real or online version of myself has nothing to prove.
You may be 30, so own it! Weigh the pros and cons of what’s essential to you. Today, I know my choices do not make me less of a mom; they help me thrive and put me one step closer to fulfilling my purpose.
I wish you luck with your discovery.
This expert produced this original thought leadership piece free of charge to SheVentures. This expert values educating female entrepreneurs and the SheVentures community. SheVentures is not receiving affiliate compensation from the author/expert. Questions? Contact social@sheventurespodcast.com.
