6 Ways to Help a Loved One Through the Dying Process While Taking Care of Yourself

As a hospice grief counselor, Lynette Eddy is no stranger to death. She's guided patients and families through the process of dying—and she's also dealt with the loss of her own sister and husband. Here are her tips for navigating this emotionally charged yet inevitable transition.

After working in hospice care as a grief counselor for three years, I learned to appreciate our impermanence and to value death as a natural process to be honored. 

Unfortunately, our culture has conditioned us to fear death and do whatever we can to ignore the fact that no one is exempt from the reality of death. 

The French philosopher Charles de Montesquieu said that we have it backward in the way we think of birth and death. He said, “There should be weeping at a man’s birth, not at his death. Life is hard and death says, ‘Congratulations, you made it and now it’s time to move on.’” Being present at someone’s passing has felt to me like attending the ultimate graduation ceremony. 

As a caregiver, try to support an environment that helps your loved one meet their death mindfully and with compassion and courage. The act of caregiving should also be done while being compassionate with yourself and being mindful of your own intellectual, spiritual, and emotional needs.

When my sister, Michele, died, I sat with her and held her hand. Michele received care at home.  A nurse would check in on her regularly, to manage her pain and ensure that she was comfortable. I rented an apartment near Michele’s home and saw her daily for the last few months of her life. Her husband, daughters, and I shared caregiving duties (household chores, helping with hygiene, and spending time together), which was a tremendous help. Hospice helps patients and caregivers.

As I spent those last months with my sister, I couldn’t help but think about how this process of death is like birth. As was the case with most of the patients I worked with in hospice care, Michele’s spirit was trying to find its way out and disconnect from her body, like how a baby would struggle to disconnect from the mother’s body. 

“I thought about how midwives and hospice nurses were basically doing the same job: assisting a spirit in transition. Michele was at both the finish line and starting line simultaneously.”

Here are six tips I learned on how to approach the needs of a loved one who is going through the dying process while honoring your own needs as well:

Give your loved one a safe space to express their emotions. Be present with them. Follow their lead on what they would like to talk about, but don’t try to avoid the “elephant in the room.”

Give your loved one a safe space to express their emotions.

Be present with them. Follow their lead on what they would like to talk about, but don’t try to avoid the “elephant in the room.”

Encourage them to talk about their life as if they were doing a life review.

Bring up memories that brought them joy and give them room to express any regrets they may have. In many cases, having your loved one remember all the people they loved and who loved them will bring a sense of meaning and closure to their life.

Assist with any unfinished business they have.

This may entail legal documents and burial wishes as well as any personal requests. Encourage and allow open communication with friends and family. 

Examine your own fears or anxiety about death.

Learn to accept your feelings without projecting them onto your loved one. Seek help from a hospice therapist, grief counselor, or spiritual advisor if you are overwhelmed with your feelings. 

Grief comes in stages.

Understand that the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are part of a process that both you and your loved one may experience. Know that each of you needs to reach acceptance but that you will most likely have different ways of getting there.

Don’t hesitate to ask for help.

You are not  Wonder Woman — and you don’t need to be. Remember to be gentle with yourself and allow for the time and space to maintain a healthy routine of eating right, exercising, and giving yourself breaks to focus on your own self-care. Also connecting with nature can have a healing effect. If you are not taking care of yourself, you will not be able to give your loved one the care and attention you want to provide.

Interested in reading Lynette’s new book, The Fight Inside: Winning the Battle Between Your Ego and True Spirit